redbull cola and twizzlers

second day of class was rampant with HORRIBLE-NESS! to be honest i only went to my first class, it only took that one class to freak me out. but the freak-out and the misdirected anger at KidTerror made me see that my behavior wasn't normal.

i don't normally publicize my issue but i think that blogging about them could be cathartic. we'll see.

in case you were unaware i have issues with social anxiety and at times depression. those problems coupled with low self-esteem and a high level of stress at work and in school don't make me function very well. all the problems i mentioned have been things that i have struggled with for as long as i can remember. i've never really been secure in my sense of self and it has kept me from many opportunities and relationships. since being with KidTerror i've come to see that it is a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed. it's not something that i can ignore or make jokes about and it didn't even hit home until recently when i saw how it was straining things with KidTerror.

i had been selfish and taking my negative emotions out on him. once we talked about it (after i had been an ass-hat) i felt awful naturally and it hit home but it didn't really take root until today when i lashed out at him again.

although i flirted with the idea of seeking help last semester when i started seeing a therapist at school, it didn't really stick and i stopped going. i didn't trust who i was seeing and the trouble of seeing someone else was too stressful to really execute.

this time i'm going to seek some medical solution even though i have an aversion to any medical inference in my life. it's not that i'm against seeking medical help it's just dealing with the steps leading up to seeing the doctor that make me anxious, although i don't like the actual visits either.

assuming i get my financial aid appeal, i will continue to attend class. i thought about taking some time off but i know getting further behind in school will only stress me further. i also don't like the idea that i'm keeping KidTerror and i from moving on to better things and places.

this semester will be about me getting things together, i will finish my math requirements, get my P.E. credit, work on my art and work on myself all while working full-time and doing my absolute best to show KidTerror how much i love him. it's a pretty tall order to fill but i don't want to give up, i do that too often and i don't want to be beaten. my desire to win at life is pretty strong and i'm tenacious, when need be, so i think it's doable even though it will be extremely difficult.

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bleh to all that drama, and onto sunnier topics!

although the massive amount of students in my sculpture class make me nervous and even more withdrawn i am excited about the projects. three projects are required, an additive piece done in class, a subtractive piece in wood or plaster, and a collection piece that will be compiled with the material of the artists choosing.

for my first piece i want to try and sculpt something that has several individual components that come together like a puzzle. it's a pretty difficult thing to construct when the material i will be working with is clay. i'm worried that i won't get the precise fit of the pieces that i need once the pieces shrink in the kiln. i suppose i could create a hollow shape and before the clay is dry cut my shapes out but i want my piece to be more complex than a cookie-cutter idea like that. it will be something that i'll have to work out with the clay itself. although the exact design is up in the air i know that i want each individual part of the sculpture to have a different color glaze. i'm excited to try and work out what i want. the other idea i have is to create faces with clay using a styrofoam head as a type of dress form in which to built upon. i feel like that was explained well but i would be covering the head in saran wrap and then removing the face after the clay had hardened some, kind of like making a garment of clothing on a dress form. after i had a collection of faces i would probably use them in a kinetic piece like a mobile, or as parts of my final project.

i'm less enthusiastic about the subtractive project since i don't have any experience there other than making a print block in high school. i don't even know what material i would like to work with and i'm slightly scared about injuring myself with the carving tools. i'm going to try and stay open to the new medium and who knows i may really like it.

since my final project is a collection of items i need to start thinking of items that would be suitable and i've come up with the idea of creating a figure around an armature that is made up of crocheted and knitted fine wire. i thought of this because i would like my figure to be female and i think that using the fine wire as a cloth would hold feminine curves better and showcase my materials in an interesting way. i think the feminine subject and the way in which the sculpture is constructed will have a nice contrast with the wire. a feminine/masculine contrast that i think would be pleasing and representational of what i want to achieve in that class and how i want to be perceived. it will be the first time i do something of that nature so i really want to nail the execution. other details are still up in the air, such as adding organs or clothing and the type of wire to use, but i'm sure i'll decide before the end of the semester gets here.

since i didn't go to my painting studio class i don't really have much to say other than i want to improve my painting skills and test out oils in my free-time. i need to stop letting my lack of ability to create what i see in my mind from keeping me from improving my skills. if i can work towards the goal of painting often i know that i can improve my skills and become more confident in my art.

this will mean coming to class everyday, accepting criticism, working with my professors, and not stopping working when i encounter a harsh word directed at my art or when something doesn't come out quite right. like everything it will be hard but i'm ready to commit to to my role as an artist and an art student. who knows i may even post more things here ^^

sorry for the wordy-ness, it's been a hard day but i'm not giving up! dollface kisses to all who read, i know you are a tiny bunch but it's greatly appreciated <3

P.S. forgive any mistakes, i really didn't care to re-read this post, writing it was enough!